my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
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Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
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