I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
The way white people respond to them, you'd think Journey was the president of Caucasia.
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
No more going to class sober.. Tried it for a day or two, its just not for me
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
we're in NC now and so far we've smoked a blunt in every state with the exception of Tennessee which we accidentally went to
Oh god it's open bar.
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
i think i'm just going to start having sex with his brother, he's much hotter and it would definately be less illegal.
Randomize
