after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
Its funny how you denied every part of the text except " you hate fat ppl"
The polaroid of me taking a test-tube of Jegar out of the gay guys mouth pretty much explains my trip to Spain.
Challenge: Try to have your balls hanging out in every picture you take tonight
Challenge Accepted
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
Between having seen you naked and interpreting your values based on the occasional political FB post, you're no stranger for sure.
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
Randomize
