We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
You paid at the door and they gave you a straw for the kiddie pool full of booze.
After a bit there were two girls who got naked and liquor wrestled. I don't think it was planned.
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
Randomize
