I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
Its been 4 years since I have masturbated this hard. God bless the Olympics!
I feel like someone poured gasoline and bleach in my nose and lit it on fire.
Why! I don't feel that at all!!!! I feel jipped
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
I just used bulldog clips for nipple clamps. Also, a wooden spoon as a paddle. DYI Domination or Ghetto Bondage?
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
I woke up under a house in Key West
Randomize
