his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
he asked me where I was going to school, and then we started having sex, and I answered his question forty five minutes later after we were done. It was the chilliest thing ever.
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
Randomize
