there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
My liver just had a heart attack.
I don't understand how these people can do extreme gymnastics and I have problems walking up the stairs.
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
His dad and I had a drunk conversation about life. At 4 am he told me that I was 21 and cute and should fuck whoever I want.
dude the last time we saw him was 2 nights ago when he was yelling that the trees were naked or some shit then he ran into the forest. I think its time for a search party
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Randomize
