My underwear smells like fireworks.
The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
Well I'm glad to hear the fight wasnt over his small dick.
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
Last time we had a party like that I woke up naked on the pool table with a chalk outline around me and a empty bottle of jager duct taped to my hand.
Yea. I'm excited about this party too
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
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