hipster in red sally jessy raphael glasses inside. kick her.
i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
A friday night jus isn't the same if the cops don't raid my dorm
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
As for the 14 hours of vodka. I am all that is man.
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
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