remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
Don't be alarmed when we finally get naked and I let out a WOOHOO!!!
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
Randomize
