I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
All semester I have been trying to figure out if this kid in front of me is gay. His cell phone just went off with Britney's "Circus". Case closed.
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
Ahh good point. I got some interesting mental pics and I'm slowly entering a "fuck it, lets do weird shit" phase sexually, but you may have already figured that out since I've been fucking you sideways and upside down a lot lately.
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
you've already made the comitment to pee in public you should at least whip your dick out
Randomize
