A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
Randomize
