I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
I spent the entire night stroking his hair. He was cool with it. Never thought a ginger stoner would help me work through my social anxiety but here we are.
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
I watched one of the videos of you hanging from the rafters, and it is both violent and sexual in nature.
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
Randomize
