I think about you every night.
I'm sorry.
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
Randomize
