Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
He was wearing a Knicks jersey I had to go home with him. it was a rough season.
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
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