I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
She is larger then a hippo. You could cut her open in the middle of a blizzard and crawl in like Luke skywalker. Throw a couch and a tv in there and you're set
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
I feel like a drive thru vagina
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
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