I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
Struggs. It's also 90 degrees out but I'm not sure I can feel heat or cold any more. Too hungover.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
I have a LOT of reasons to worry about radical feminists taking my lady balls, frankly. A lot.
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
Randomize
