I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
Randomize
