my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
There's something fitting about a hot in-car interracial makeout to the tune of 'healing the world.' RIP Mike.
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why.
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
Randomize
