I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
Dude, we took our shirts off and set our chest hair on fire. That's a low point.
You raise a valid concern
i have no feeling in my penis or fingers but i think it was worth it
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
Randomize
