you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
Yeah i mean there's 3 guys fighting over me. It would just be bitchy of me not to get with at least 1.
Having him eat chocolate out of you is not as romantic as it sounds. I'm still finding pieces.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
Randomize
