Yea well when i pee it makes steam.
I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
found some acid from a couple months ago while looking through christmas lights. Looks like santa came early this year.
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.
You guys crashed sarahs vespa into a snowbank and its still there. not cool.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
Randomize
