All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
Another day, another engagement, another cat
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
I've never been to an orgy, but I would assume nachos wouldn't be out of the question at one.
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
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