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Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
Hey, met you at the bar last night. You probably dont remember my name. You and your friends came back to my place, you shattered my window with your fist then dipped. Your gonna need to pay for that.
Thats where this cut came from! Thanks for piecing together the puzzle dude.
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
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