doesn't he have a GF?
that just means you have to try harder.
i didn't have to try TOO hard, just told him i didn't want to know his name or...
Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
They took my balls.
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
Randomize
