i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
is it bad that i have made the decision to never travel to vienna simply because of that transvestite that won the bachelor?
dont start drinking without me
he was persistant. I supposedly owe him a bj from high school.
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
Last I saw him was around 10 this morning. He was passed out on the porch with his head under the barbeque cover and there were cups of orange juice around him as well as loose tobacco spread everywhere. Good luck getting a hold of him.
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
the cops accepted 42 wallaby way Sydney. and the cops, and cab driver accepted the new address. please tell the win i am experiencing
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
I'm only gonna ask u this once. Y is there a picture of u only in superman underwear rubbin ur nipple on facebook????
Uh I can actually explain that one..
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
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