Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
You litterally reached into some girls shirt, pulled out her tit and yelled whats up with this guy.
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
Randomize
