So I just did the walk of shame at dunkin... A lady told me me I was really dressed up and I told her I was going to a luncheon.
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Randomize
