he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
and she was grinding on the wall, purring at guys she liked at the pregame...
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
Randomize
