I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
i lnow ive slrrwsdy teted you this. but goddamn girl on tv is a good song
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
He fell into the beer pong table and broke it. Then he threatened to throw the toliet at us if we didn't let him keep playing
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
I just put a pill up my vagina. It was little like a quail egg. There is so much happening up there right now.
wyd
Laying here debating on if i want a sandwich or an orgasm.
eveytime i go to his house my cute clothes always get taken off what's the point of even wearing them there?
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
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