If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
Too much gin, very little bucket
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
I could really do without pictures of your asses in my inbox. That said, I'm extremely jealous that I wasn't involved.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
I just don't wanna be that girl with no ride and no pants
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
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