This girl looks like a mixture of kathy griffin and bill walton. i havent decided if that is a good thing.
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
I'm cleaning my bathroom. That being said I found a klonopin and dropped it and stepped on it. Floor is clean im gonna snort it.
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
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