you were running down the aisles of wal mart singing 'follow the yellowbrick road'. i'm pretty sure you thought the night shift workers were the munchkins & started crying when they wouldnt help u find the wizard. needless to say u were pretty stoned/wasted
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Randomize
