The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
You were drunk at 5 You went to the dining hall and cried because your brain and fingers weren't working. Your RA came up to you and suddenly you became sober. I was very proud of you.
I guess I just don't understand how the two main issues with your ex involve a cock ring and a Christmas tree
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
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