I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
Lmfao I'm not trying to have a pissing contest over acid with my mom.....
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
I thought one was bad but really there are two woman stupid enough to marry our brother...unreal
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
Randomize
