My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
You have proved your worthiness to join me on the quest of taking shots at every academic building on campus by showing up drunk to our test at 12:30 today
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
Randomize
