ur dog is so gonna tell on us one day.
for doing what?
for smoking bowls out on the deck while your parents aren't home.
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
Randomize
