I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
No more Irish car bombs ever.
It's very clear that i'm the girl sweating out four lokos at 2 in the afternoon at the gym
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
Randomize
