u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
I just want a better ending for myself. Not walking around with one sock on and my bush hanging out.
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
That big chick who gave you the handly polished off one of the walls to the ginger bread house right before she came outside. FYI
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
Randomize
