New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
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