ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
I'm eating all of the evidence.
he started yelling "this is my pussy" mid thrust
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
i don't even remember going to get food. i think i got gas too.
a search helicopter?!
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
Randomize
