took acid and went on safebus. all the lights were off except the adds. swear to god it was a submarine
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
He said he's in to distance fucking. I thought he just mean long durations. We fucked on a towel all the way down his tile hallway accross his kitchen and into the living room
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
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