He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
