I want to see a picture of the girl worth ruining our relationship for
I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
so while trying to be a healthier drunk i discovered that putting airborne in natty is not an advisable decision
party gras won. party gras always wins.
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
You're a disgrace to the female race and the love triangle and halloween.
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
I think we did. All i know my pants smell like pong water due to the bathroom extravagansa. God I feel like a whore.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
