well recently, every guy I have hooked up with has been economy sized
Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
Let's just say when I woke up I was still drunk. My hangover hit me around noon so I chilled w my dad and took a bath and shower at the same time. You just can't do that at college
Randomize
