I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
I'm confused are we getting high or did someone actually die?
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
Randomize
