i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
I think one make out session at a bar per year is probably the best choice.
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
i read his ps3 instant messaging thing... he's meeting a guy to have sex. i think your boyfriend's gay
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