Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
this islike a room full of reasons why i should be in prison
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
If you think that liquor is the way to shower sex then you're right.
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
Randomize
