i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
She stuck a Big Gulp bend-y straw up his ass to see if he could handle anal.
Ew, and?!
Well he couldn't and the deal was he had to drink something using it afterwards.
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
this guy had a colored tattoo of Chucky on his leg, whatever drugs he does, i want them
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
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