Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
he let me wear his jacket and there was a magnum and a bowl in his pocket ... I think im in love
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
Did she owns a vibrator that will set off seismic activity.
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
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