my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
Just found out my brother beats off to Lauren Conrad. the Hills will never be the same.
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
you were acting out moves from the wwe, in a dress. then you sceamed "you can't see me" and ran out of the apt.
Randomize
