happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
You have problems? I'm 20 years old and i'm balding
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
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