She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
I CAN SEE SO MANY PENISES. There are so many visible penises here.
Where are you???
Yoga class :(
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
Randomize
