Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
i was taking the test and had to adjust my boner and my teacher thought i was cheating or something
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
I don't care if it's 2 inches or 20 I mean dick is dick
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
Randomize
