I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
oh well we may not be friends on facebook but at least i got laid
I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
Well we can cross off dogs, dating sites, and real life as ways to help you meet a chick.
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
so apparently telling her she could shit easier and therefore lose weight faster wasn't the best arguement for getting anal.
Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
He was banging holes in the kitchen wall with pots. They tried to pull him away but only managed to pants him. He kept "drumming".
Your excessive judging is making this uncomfortable
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Randomize
