I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
Okay, just a casual question: how did i manage to get grass stains on the inside of my bra?
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
Sorry my hands just texted you
BGSU move in weekend. Just passed a house w a beer pong table set up, ppl already playing, girls holding signs that say "son drop off". It's 10:30 am.
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
Sean just lit a cig with his taser..... I am in awe
Randomize
