The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
Watching this movie and saying "drink every time you see an animal" was a bad idea...circle of life...holy crap
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
I think I used my NERF gun during sexual roleplay. Need to re-evaluate my life choices.
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
Randomize