I have this horrible feeling I'm going to blackout tonight & only be able to say 'wasabi bobby' over & over again.
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
I'm 25 and I shit my bed last night. And I'm telling you about it. Not sure which is worse
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
Randomize
