you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
so she asked me if I thought she was fat and naturally I said no..... but I think she might catch on
who is she? I really hope you have an explanation cause either you think I'm fat or you're cheating on me
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
ur not supposed to find someone to make out with when ur bf takes u to his SISTERS house to hang out with her and her husband
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
I do remember that in my dream I wasn't impressed with his dick.
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
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